The Importance of Being (h)Earnest

i don’t think i could ever find another man that could hold me so perfectly. 

i’m an emotional tween right now.

but for real though. fuck. i just want to hold him and kiss him and tell him i love him.

i hope i can call him someday. i hope i dont lose him. i might lose my shit if i lose him entirely.

i’m probably going to cry. A lot. because i used to associate graduating with moving across the country. 

now

im going to still be in my parents house. i’ve got a few opportunities on the horizon, and i’m getting involved in a lot of shit recently, but.

i just wish we could have had coffee or gone on a walk or met in person to handle everything, but the fucking universe is a douchebag and now i can’t even call the man who was best friend and so much more, because i hurt him so bad. and he hurt me. and neither of us meant to hurt each other. 

i just hope i don’t lose him completely. like we become strangers or something awful. that would kill me.

So Here I Am.

I’m in my last semester of undergrad. I’m 3 months away from having a BFA in Acting. I’ll be an ‘adult.’ It’s surreal, thinking about how close I am to achieving something I have spent 5 years studying in two different states. I couldn’t be happier.

I love my boyfriend partner soooooo much (i know how gay that sounded, and i stand by it). I just hate my theater schedule, not just because it’s demanding, but it causes me to rely solely on the bus system of detroit/metro detroit. it sucks. a lot. I’m trying to get a car and I’ve been talking with my mom.  I’m trying so hard every day and it’s made even harder that I don’t get to see my man as much as I should. I think about him all the time.  The whole long 14 hour day i have at school, I think about him. I miss him incessantly. I cannot wait to graduate, not only to pursue my career, get a real job, and be able to spend as much fucking time with my partner as I want. I want to live my life on a schedule i create entirely, no more college, no more time constraints.  Any responsibility i have, I will have control over.  I just love him so much and want to make him happy and hold him and snuggle him as much as possible.

This semester is shaping up to be great.  Lots of hard work ahead, long nights, lots of sweat and tears, but I’m ready, I know i can get through it.  I know i can figure myself out.  I just needed more self control and drive.  I grew up recently, and I don’t know exactly when, but I did.  

And you know what world, prepare to be taken down motherfucker.

obligatory beginning of year post.

i fucking hate resolutions.  people always forget them and/or never follow through.  they’re materialistic or a joke, and for all of these reasons, resolutions can suck it.

but im a hypocrite.

so i have one resolution this year. My new years resolution is to be more honest.

i tend to let things slide or put up with things or sugar coat them or make up stories so people don’t get hurt but i’m tired.  i can literally feel it, my back is full of knots.  I’ve been in a foul mood for the past 20 hours and i couldn’t figure out why until i started writing this post—in saving people’s feelings, i’m actually hurting them further. im not going ot be brutally honest with every single person, but i feel like im babying people that should not be babied. 

this coming semester/summer is going to rip me apart. growing up and figuring shit out sucks. a lot. 

i feel like people, specifically in my department at school, think im cocky and arrogant and a diva.  this makes me feel sick.  i never ever wanted to be any of those things but i have this sinking feeling that some people do.  as someone that is a people-pleaser, i want everyone’s general approval, an issue i need to deal with.  but to think that someone, just one person, thinks of my that way makes my stomach turn.  whats worse is that i think it might be people i know semi well that haven’t said anything to me.  i’m probably making something out of nothing, but, either way, its my biggest fear that people will think negatively of my and whats worse is that i think that fear is a reality.

and im done being 16 and emotional.